This Mother's Day

Spring offers new life and blooms in bright colors. 

It is said that becoming a Mother is a transformation, a birth and a death. It is the beginning of a new journey, a new way of life, a new self. I suppose like everything in life, there must be balance, so if there is birth there must be death. I woke up this morning feeling my old life fade like a polaroid picture in reverse, into an unreachable whiteness. Is this a reflection of my old self fading as well? 

I’ve been away from here for a while, not on purpose. Life has just been demanding my full attention, but I am here now, and it feels wonderful to be back with grand news to share. I am 32 weeks pregnant! In about two months we will be welcoming our baby girl into this world.  

The anticipation of motherhood stirs many thoughts that bubble inside me, like a healthy fermentation of some sort. In the beginning of my pregnancy I had experienced many vivid dreams, mostly strange and alluring, some were scary, others were seemingly commonplace. My midwife and friends said it’s a way of purification, a purging of some sort to prepare the mind and self for baby. I have heard other women experience this as well. I am fascinated by the innate wisdom of our bodies to take on this process. 

I am equally fascinated, if not more, by the physical changes of my body taking place. I am growing a human! My body is taking care of me and my baby every moment, with every breath I take. It’s astonishing to read the facts, to observe for myself as I look in the mirror, everything my body has done and is doing for baby and I. 

To start, it created a new organ, the placenta, which nourishes baby. Then my uterus began expanding and has continued.  My breasts have also grown and the nipples continue to darken while veins surround my chest like a network of mycelium, preparing for milk. I have more blood in my body which has to work a little more to pump, and with my belly, walking up hill is a little more tricky at 7 months, but I just take my time and waddle, step by step, knowing it’s good for baby and I. 

Baby bump 7 months and baby plants for the garden.

Being pregnant has been my greatest invitation to be present. My mind wanders through many channels daily, weekly, monthly. Learning to sit with these feelings through their many fluctuations has been most challenging. I suppose change is innately challenging. In one day I can experience so many emotions. The weather also affects my mood quite a bit. It’s been crazy weather this spring. I don’t know what to make of it and neither does Jorris, really. Some days are bright and sunny, clear and crisp with promises of beach days ahead and freedom after this confinement period is over due to the Corona Virus. Other days, like yesterday, are gloomy, stormy, wet and violently windy. The mercurial weather mirrors my mind.

Confinement has been most difficult for me, physically and mentally. This has been a real test of my mental and spiritual vulnerability and power. Since October, well before the virus, I hadn’t been able to drive any longer because my CA driver’s license is no longer valid in France. So I had to begin studying for the French driver’s test, which is notoriously tricky and seemed impossible to overcome. After months of grueling study and self-confinement, with the help of Magali and Laurent from Café Langue Échange and of course mon amour, I succeeded the test in February! 

The next hurdle was the actual driving part, which one driving school said I needed 20 hours of driving practice which would cost a few thousand euros, not to mention time. Here I am feeling very frustrated having driven since I was 15 and now being told I have to take practice lessons! But then, of course, we are in France and things work differently here. So we found another school who said I don’t need 20 hours, just a few, and then I can take the test. 

I managed to do one driving practice and then bam, the Corona Virus took over the world and France and we were on lockdown so the driving school shut down and suddenly my other driving practice days and exam day were on pause. I was so close, yet so far away. I felt back at square one again, depending on Jorris for groceries and the neighbors for help when Jorris became busy with the start of the bee season. It all works out, but I miss that freedom of getting into my saxo and just going somewhere. This lack of transportation kept me from seeing friends on a regular basis for months, and then when the whole world went on confinement, the days of isolation became law and compounded my already existing feelings of imprisonment. 

It’s a weird space to be in. It’s the beginning of so much change to come, a period of incubation. In a few months baby will be here and hopefully tomorrow life will open up again in France as the confinement will begin to dissipate. I can’t wait to be back on a date night with Jorris or even just going to a coffee shop. These establishments have also been closed since March, though I have heard some are open for take away. Hopefully soon I can resume my path to take my driving exam and finally get my freedom back. I envision driving my baby and I to the sea for a swim. 

Sourdough Bread #38

But, there is a silver lining. Perhaps the Universe intended for me to stay put, build my home here, to get bored and restless enough to teach myself new skills like making sourdough bread and sauerkraut and yogurt. I want to write more about these adventures in the world of fermentation and my other new baby, Penny, my sourdough starter, which has helped me make up to today 38 loaves of bread, not to mention the many pizzas and other tasty treasures like sourdough cinnamon rolls!! We all love Penny, especially Jorris, and our neighbors. A part from baking bread weekly, I’ve also started a vegetable garden and manure pile butternut squash garden, as well as a strawberry bed for our little girl to harvest her first strawberries next year. These skills will ultimately prepare and have already allowed me to take better care of my family (Jorris eats my bread like his main food group and I think baby enjoys it, too). I feel our baby kick mostly when I am eating, so I suspect she will be a gourmande (foodie in French) like her parents, naturally!

Fresh salads and a spinach from our garden.

Manure pile butternut squash garden; squashes are heavy feeders.

I keep reminding myself to be patient, to just breathe. This past Friday, May 8^th, marked my Grandma Ma leaving us one year ago. The week before that, on May 1^st, marked Grandma Lee’s passing also one year ago. I can’t believe it’s been one year since both my dear Grandmas' left us. I miss them deeply, as I do the rest of my family since their passing also marks one year since I have been home, the longest time I’ve ever been away from CA. 

While I wish they were here to meet our baby girl, I feel great peace nonetheless knowing that somehow a part of them will be with her, is already with her. All of their wisdom and love wraps her warmly in my womb. 

I was supposed to be back in CA earlier this month, like many of us, for my brother and Steven’s wedding, but due to the virus they postponed it until next year. It’ll still be great because baby will be with us to witness two beautiful people join lives in matrimony. We can all celebrate in happier times than now, at least that is how I choose to see it. Plus, maybe it’s better that I stay here on my mountain away from the dense city. Maybe here is just where I am meant to be, even with the moments of suffering and feelings of restlessness and entrapment. Mediation and yoga have been my saviors. 

Strawberry Dreams of the future give me hope.

Fresh air and crisp rainy mornings in our backyard.

In spite of the uncertainty and current events, life is good. Our baby is healthy, as are we and our bees, and I am so grateful for the outpour of love from my family. Thanks to technology, we’ve been able to be in touch and they have made me feel loved and missed. I learned from my Mom (to me the word Mom, or synonym of it, should always be capitalized ;) that she and my cousins Kat and Connie were planning a surprise baby shower for me! Just the thought of it is so sweet and made my heart so happy. 

I think I miss my Mom most during this time, especially today on Mother’s Day. We talk almost every day though, so I still feel close to her. It’s incredible to realize that I can also celebrate today and that I too, next too all the Mothers before me, among me and ahead of me, am honored to be a part of the beautiful circle of Motherhood. Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful Mamas out there in the world, especially to my Mumsy!!

My Mom, my best friend, my rock, my heart.

*Photos by me, Jorris and my brother.