Roua

Roua with potimarrons from the garden.

I still can’t believe she’s real; nor can I believe that 2 months ago today we raced to the clinic and barely made it as I squeezed my legs together in the front seat of the car, whispering to my baby, “just wait a little longer please,”...she was so ready to come into this world but patiently waited and 10 minutes later I got to meet the most beautiful face I had ever seen. That’s the short version of our birth story. The longer and more detailed version to come, as believe it or not, I still feel like even 2 months later, I am still processing the whole thing. 

I’ve heard the days are long but the years go by fast. For us, the days go by so fast! So, if that saying is true, I must truly embrace every moment before the years pass by in a blink of an eye. Roua changes by the day. Never knew I could be capable of feeling such immense gratitude. We are so lucky. 

Everyday is so different and the same at the same time. I’m in awe of Roua. I’m in awe of what my body is capable of, creating a human, producing milk which nurtures her while still nurturing me in all the ways she does. The transformation is magnificent, more than magical, to watch and feel unfold. I am so honored to be granted this experience of Motherhood. 

Roua and the giant butternut from the garden, both nearly 4kg (8 pounds)! 

I have to admit it’s not always easy and not every moment do I feel so positive. In fact, I feel fatigued and frustrated some days, but those emotions are part of it all too. My life has completely changed, yet many things still remain the same, like baking sourdough bread (two baking as I write this!), or my yoga and meditation practice. They just look different. I thought I needed yoga and meditation most during pregnancy, but actually now I need it more than ever before. I’ve never felt so needed and important. Caring for a baby requires so much energy, both physically and emotionally. I never knew the reciprocal power and influence I could share with a being! I need my whole best self to do the job, and a bit of yoga and meditation during the day when I can or at night when she sleeps makes all the difference in the world. Taking care of me, my mind and body, is a priority because I need to be well to care for Roua. Experiencing the power of my body through all its changes and breastfeeding has been such a wondrous process! 

Having a baby makes life more complicated but really, it also makes life so simple. All I have to do is be my best self and love this sweet little human. I am learning to just take the day with each moment as it comes, without attachment to what the day should look like or what needs to be done. I make a list and do my best. With Roua, I am learning to truly let go and just live. 

When I look down at her big eyes and cute little nose, sometimes I can't believe that those parts of her were formed inside of me from two cells that joined, and that I carried her for 9 months. It blows my mind. Thank you to Uncle Kevin for the 2-month birthday outfit which came in the mail just in time!

Things I want to Remember about my baby Roua at 2 months:

1. Her cute little croissant-shaped hands. 

2. The way she stares at me so lovingly, at times pensively with those big eyes! 

3. Her sweet smiles, especially in the morning when she first wakes up and sees me. 

4. The o-shape she makes with her mouth sometimes. 

5. The way she arches her head all the way back just to see me as she lays in her 2^nd crib in the living room. 

6. The way she savours slowly waking up with a nice long stretch. 

7. The sounds she makes after yawning and coughing that remind me of her Great Grandpa Ma. 

8. Her long fine hair, the first thing which I heard the midwives exclaiming about as her head was crowning! 

9. Her loud farts and burbs and poops, so satisfying... :) 

10. Her sweet innocent smell and soft skin...

11. The way she shakes her head before taking a big mouthful of breast!

12. All her many snoring sounds.

I’ll stop there for now since I can go on and on...but these are the main ones. Cheers to you Roua! Happy 2 month birthday honey. Mama loves you so much! Looking forward to celebrating with chocolate banana creme pie Tata Gaëlle will make tonight!!!

*Photos by ma belle-mère et moi. 

This Mother's Day

Spring offers new life and blooms in bright colors. 

It is said that becoming a Mother is a transformation, a birth and a death. It is the beginning of a new journey, a new way of life, a new self. I suppose like everything in life, there must be balance, so if there is birth there must be death. I woke up this morning feeling my old life fade like a polaroid picture in reverse, into an unreachable whiteness. Is this a reflection of my old self fading as well? 

I’ve been away from here for a while, not on purpose. Life has just been demanding my full attention, but I am here now, and it feels wonderful to be back with grand news to share. I am 32 weeks pregnant! In about two months we will be welcoming our baby girl into this world.  

The anticipation of motherhood stirs many thoughts that bubble inside me, like a healthy fermentation of some sort. In the beginning of my pregnancy I had experienced many vivid dreams, mostly strange and alluring, some were scary, others were seemingly commonplace. My midwife and friends said it’s a way of purification, a purging of some sort to prepare the mind and self for baby. I have heard other women experience this as well. I am fascinated by the innate wisdom of our bodies to take on this process. 

I am equally fascinated, if not more, by the physical changes of my body taking place. I am growing a human! My body is taking care of me and my baby every moment, with every breath I take. It’s astonishing to read the facts, to observe for myself as I look in the mirror, everything my body has done and is doing for baby and I. 

To start, it created a new organ, the placenta, which nourishes baby. Then my uterus began expanding and has continued.  My breasts have also grown and the nipples continue to darken while veins surround my chest like a network of mycelium, preparing for milk. I have more blood in my body which has to work a little more to pump, and with my belly, walking up hill is a little more tricky at 7 months, but I just take my time and waddle, step by step, knowing it’s good for baby and I. 

Baby bump 7 months and baby plants for the garden.

Being pregnant has been my greatest invitation to be present. My mind wanders through many channels daily, weekly, monthly. Learning to sit with these feelings through their many fluctuations has been most challenging. I suppose change is innately challenging. In one day I can experience so many emotions. The weather also affects my mood quite a bit. It’s been crazy weather this spring. I don’t know what to make of it and neither does Jorris, really. Some days are bright and sunny, clear and crisp with promises of beach days ahead and freedom after this confinement period is over due to the Corona Virus. Other days, like yesterday, are gloomy, stormy, wet and violently windy. The mercurial weather mirrors my mind.

Confinement has been most difficult for me, physically and mentally. This has been a real test of my mental and spiritual vulnerability and power. Since October, well before the virus, I hadn’t been able to drive any longer because my CA driver’s license is no longer valid in France. So I had to begin studying for the French driver’s test, which is notoriously tricky and seemed impossible to overcome. After months of grueling study and self-confinement, with the help of Magali and Laurent from Café Langue Échange and of course mon amour, I succeeded the test in February! 

The next hurdle was the actual driving part, which one driving school said I needed 20 hours of driving practice which would cost a few thousand euros, not to mention time. Here I am feeling very frustrated having driven since I was 15 and now being told I have to take practice lessons! But then, of course, we are in France and things work differently here. So we found another school who said I don’t need 20 hours, just a few, and then I can take the test. 

I managed to do one driving practice and then bam, the Corona Virus took over the world and France and we were on lockdown so the driving school shut down and suddenly my other driving practice days and exam day were on pause. I was so close, yet so far away. I felt back at square one again, depending on Jorris for groceries and the neighbors for help when Jorris became busy with the start of the bee season. It all works out, but I miss that freedom of getting into my saxo and just going somewhere. This lack of transportation kept me from seeing friends on a regular basis for months, and then when the whole world went on confinement, the days of isolation became law and compounded my already existing feelings of imprisonment. 

It’s a weird space to be in. It’s the beginning of so much change to come, a period of incubation. In a few months baby will be here and hopefully tomorrow life will open up again in France as the confinement will begin to dissipate. I can’t wait to be back on a date night with Jorris or even just going to a coffee shop. These establishments have also been closed since March, though I have heard some are open for take away. Hopefully soon I can resume my path to take my driving exam and finally get my freedom back. I envision driving my baby and I to the sea for a swim. 

Sourdough Bread #38

But, there is a silver lining. Perhaps the Universe intended for me to stay put, build my home here, to get bored and restless enough to teach myself new skills like making sourdough bread and sauerkraut and yogurt. I want to write more about these adventures in the world of fermentation and my other new baby, Penny, my sourdough starter, which has helped me make up to today 38 loaves of bread, not to mention the many pizzas and other tasty treasures like sourdough cinnamon rolls!! We all love Penny, especially Jorris, and our neighbors. A part from baking bread weekly, I’ve also started a vegetable garden and manure pile butternut squash garden, as well as a strawberry bed for our little girl to harvest her first strawberries next year. These skills will ultimately prepare and have already allowed me to take better care of my family (Jorris eats my bread like his main food group and I think baby enjoys it, too). I feel our baby kick mostly when I am eating, so I suspect she will be a gourmande (foodie in French) like her parents, naturally!

Fresh salads and a spinach from our garden.

Manure pile butternut squash garden; squashes are heavy feeders.

I keep reminding myself to be patient, to just breathe. This past Friday, May 8^th, marked my Grandma Ma leaving us one year ago. The week before that, on May 1^st, marked Grandma Lee’s passing also one year ago. I can’t believe it’s been one year since both my dear Grandmas' left us. I miss them deeply, as I do the rest of my family since their passing also marks one year since I have been home, the longest time I’ve ever been away from CA. 

While I wish they were here to meet our baby girl, I feel great peace nonetheless knowing that somehow a part of them will be with her, is already with her. All of their wisdom and love wraps her warmly in my womb. 

I was supposed to be back in CA earlier this month, like many of us, for my brother and Steven’s wedding, but due to the virus they postponed it until next year. It’ll still be great because baby will be with us to witness two beautiful people join lives in matrimony. We can all celebrate in happier times than now, at least that is how I choose to see it. Plus, maybe it’s better that I stay here on my mountain away from the dense city. Maybe here is just where I am meant to be, even with the moments of suffering and feelings of restlessness and entrapment. Mediation and yoga have been my saviors. 

Strawberry Dreams of the future give me hope.

Fresh air and crisp rainy mornings in our backyard.

In spite of the uncertainty and current events, life is good. Our baby is healthy, as are we and our bees, and I am so grateful for the outpour of love from my family. Thanks to technology, we’ve been able to be in touch and they have made me feel loved and missed. I learned from my Mom (to me the word Mom, or synonym of it, should always be capitalized ;) that she and my cousins Kat and Connie were planning a surprise baby shower for me! Just the thought of it is so sweet and made my heart so happy. 

I think I miss my Mom most during this time, especially today on Mother’s Day. We talk almost every day though, so I still feel close to her. It’s incredible to realize that I can also celebrate today and that I too, next too all the Mothers before me, among me and ahead of me, am honored to be a part of the beautiful circle of Motherhood. Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful Mamas out there in the world, especially to my Mumsy!!

My Mom, my best friend, my rock, my heart.

*Photos by me, Jorris and my brother. 

Dukkha

We’re all a little bruised and broken. Suffering is indiscriminate. No matter who you are or where you come from or where you were and where you are going, no matter your gender, age, the color of your hair, your morals and beliefs, rich or poor, we all suffer.

The Buddha said that life is Dukkha. Life is suffering. To live is to suffer. Because, as the Buddha explained we are living in the cycle of samsara: life, death, rebirth; and with living comes suffering because karma, the law of cause and effect, can lead to suffering.

Some say our sufferings stem from ancestral wounds that never healed. This is a new concept for me, which I am curious about. I wonder though, does this mean that we can blame others for our suffering? Does this mean that we have no control over it, and it’s all predetermined through an ancestral algorithm of sorts? If not any of these hypotheses, then what does any of it mean?

Of course, humans are not the only beings or spirits which suffer, though I feel as though our suffering is worse because we are complicated creatures who perhaps bring a lot of it upon ourselves.

Some days, like today, all we can do is feel it through and just observe. For me it’s yoga, a walk in the woods, playing guitar, or writing a blog post, but for you, it could be something else. Whatever that space or action that can lead to cathartic expressions I believe can be incredibly healing.

Today I got onto my mat and discovered a deep well of sadness. I felt its darkness and absence of love. I didn’t know it was there until I got into a posture, just lying on my belly and breathing, and I began crying for all the things I felt and couldn’t say. In this state of delicacy, however, my mind was so clear. It was as if my mind was soothing my heart and just observing these emotions, and sort of consoling my heart that it’s ok to feel emotions like sadness and “just cry, just keep breathing and feel what you need to feel, without judgment, attachment or shame,” my mind instructed.

I think my meditation practice has helped me become so much stronger, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I have to thank Andy Puddicombe from my Headspace app, and my soon to be brother-in-law Steven for having introduced me to the app in spring 2017 when I had gone to visit him and brother Kevin in San Francisco. I’ve been meditating since then and this practice has changed my life.

I’ve learned tools to help me not be afraid of my thoughts or emotions and to just observe them like passing clouds because underneath all the dark clouds there is always a blue sky. This analogy can often be found in meditation practices, and I learned about it through headspace. We just have to remember we have peace of mind all the time (blue sky) and that sometimes those clouds of sadness or doubts will creep in. Meditation has allowed me to better understand myself and my mind. Slowly I begin to see patterns and why I do or think the way I do, all from a place of tender curiosity and deep compassion. I am reminded of how human I am and constantly question what it means to be human and why we do what we do and don’t do what we don’t do.

Life, even in the Southern French Alps, is not always a fairytale. It’s hard no matter where you are. I’ve made more French friends here and have learned of more sad stories and pain and suffering are the recurring theme. It puts things into perspective.

For me life has been so condensed and charged with change these last 6 months. I got married, moved to a new country, moved to a new village within that country, intensified my studies of this new language, continued building my business while my husband continued building his and finding a way for those to blend together, all while raising a young cat and the learning curve that comes with raising a cat for the first time.

In this moment we are the crucible of building a new life, together. It’s getting hot inside as more responsibilities and deadlines pile up for this loan to that. It seems to never end and some weeks, we seem to never see each other as we live in the mountains and loans and banks live in the city and now the bees are on the coast so Jorris has been driving back and forth between all places, his cup filled with bee work, business class work with a dash of bank/finance work.

He’s stretching himself in all directions and you can imagine what that does to a person, and for a newlywed couple. His cup can fill no more. There’s no more room for drops of my quirky jokes or childish comments like this morning when I said “what if I loved Bodhi (our cat) so much he turned into a real human?!” Texting a business text and not hearing my comment, Jorris continued with his work. 

Then those quirky jokes and my wish for attention get swept under the rug and soon the rug isn’t big enough to cover it all up. Then what?

It seems like this sort of pressure-filled feeling has always been in our relationship since the beginning, perhaps a sort of relationship karma? At first it was, soon I’ll have to go back to CA because my visa will expire so we’ll be apart again but for how long; then it was where do we want to make our life in France or U.S.; then now, how are we going to do it...all these choices and life decisions that just seem to keep demanding an answer now.

Jorris had been camping in L’Esterel and working with the bees and various business formations in Nice so we hadn’t really seen each other until we went on a date night on Sunday. It had been the first just-us date night in a while at the local Au Bon Coin (The Good Corner) restaurant in our village. Over trout and pizza we had a moment to just be a couple, and while some clouds lingered, I could see the blue sky for a moment.

This morning though, I’m not sure if it’s as blue. My heart is heavy. I continue to breathe through the uncertainty that is life. What else can we do? Whatever happens though will happen as it should and life will continue because it just does. Someone close to my heart the other day wrote to me and reminded me of how I was a bright ray of sunshine to her from across the ocean and that she admired my authenticity and how I could put love above all else. It was beautifully written and sincere. I felt a sense of peace after reading it because even if I accomplish nothing more in this life, at least I know I inspired love and light from a place of authenticity for one person and that’s more than enough for me.

If, to be human is to suffer, but to suffer is to know or have known true love, beauty and wisdom, then perhaps it is worth it, wherever our paths may lead.





*Photos by Tiffanie Ma