I’ve always second guessed my life here in France. Did I make the right choice? If I had made my life in L.A. at least during this time of covid I would be with my Mom and family; Roua would get to play with her little cousins. This morning though, during my yoga practice, the full moon gracing me with her presence through the window of the living room, I had this epiphany. My journey in France has allowed me to cross paths with such beautiful people, people who have inspired me to live in more meaningful and profound ways than I ever knew before. Being here I have learned to live from a place of true abundance, not the kind of money or material.
Rather, it’s the abundance of love, generosity, sincere friendship, curiosity, learning, true knowledge, garden veggies, altruism. Countryside life means loving thy neighbor and community.
My baby girl is 3 months old!
It’s stormy and raining outside, perfect weather for warm brownies and cold milk. And, what better reason to bake something than to celebrate my baby girl Roua’s 3 month birthday. Thunder rolls through these mountains as I type away, like they did 3 months ago before we drove off to the clinic; Roua is asleep, finally, and Bodhi naps in his crate and blanket on the couch behind me. I’m sitting on a new rug writing on the coffee table this afternoon, with two candles lit, one diffusing some pine resin Jorris found (way better than any fake “fall” scented candles out there) and another tea light candle sits in this beautiful golden antique flower saucer that my belle-mère gifted me. The new rug we found at the store is 100% cotton, with a tribal black and white diamond pattern; it can be challenging to find simple, all natural things these days. It feels nice to the soles of my feet. Jorris is working down in the honey room, while Pap (dad in Dutch, my beau-père) is in the guest room on his computer. I’m cozy and happy for a few moments of quite with my thoughts.
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| My smiley girl. |
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| Pieces of this fall outfit were gifted by family and friends. |
We just had a gouter (snack) of warm chewy brownies, recipe courtesy of Gaëlle from this book called Un Gouter à New York. It’s a keeper of a recipe. We’ve tasted many keeper-of-a-recipes from the book and with each month and birthday for Roua, we have fun baking and celebrating. It’s astounding to imagine that 3 months ago today, we rushed to the clinic to bring our beautiful baby into this world. Even more astounding, she is a quarter of a year old! She is growing into more and more of a cutie pie each day. She’s petite but has those irresistible plump baby cheeks that you can kiss/sniff-kiss endlessly. Her Papa says she also enjoys to be carried and walked around “endlessly” while you sing the “Ma petite est comme à l’eau...” song, which her oma always sang to her this summer. That song is magical! It can calm her down from crying so quickly!
Roua loves to stand straight and always stands on our thighs when we sit. And she has little rolls on her thighs, which are so adorable. I love how she smiles at me when she wakes up. It’s pure joy and happiness. She now "talks" and makes sounds, her favorite being this low “eeeeee” sound, similar to the sound a goat or sheep makes. We joke that she learned it from our neighbor’s goats and sheep who pass by our house some days. We love watching how she fixates on people and really looks them in the eyes, like she sees right through you, into the soul of your being. Sometimes, she can look very serious, other times, she just looks happy and smiley like a baby, her eyes smiling too. She is so strong. When we put her on her tummy for tummy time, she lifts her head so high and looks really determined to crawl, swimming her legs and arms like a turtle out of water, trying to inch forward. It melts my heart to watch her. And when we change her diaper when she doesn’t want to be changed, like in the middle of the night when she is half-asleep, she kicks her legs around while crying and makes it impossible for me to get her pants or socks on. She is that strong.
She’s nearly sleeping through the night waking up once or twice to nurse. Usually she goes right back to sleep. She’s been sleeping next to us in bed lately, though she can sometimes sleep well in her stroller beside us. The stroller is the same height as our bed and easier to put her in and take her out rather than the little crib which is a bit low. I love having her beside me in our bed, cuddled against me, hearing her breathe, nursing her as she falls into a deep slumber. She looks so serene and satisfied. She is kind and sweet but a feisty one. She knows what she wants and doesn’t want, and she’ll make sure you know it too! It can be challenging, especially when we have other plans on our agenda other than carrying her as she sleeps, but I love that about her. I admire her self-honesty and fearlessness to vocalize what she wants. I hope she holds on to that.
We’ve come a long way in such a short time. I’ve learned so much about what it means to be a Mother, a woman, a wife. Roua and I have gotten the hang of breast feeding and my breasts are calibrated now, so less engorement and pains. In the beginning I had more milk than what she was drinking and also my milk was coming out faster than she could swallow. She was also not opening her mouth wide all the time and my nipples were so sensitive. Now, we can breastfeed while sitting, while laying, even while hiking, even in the dark! I’m really proud of my girl. I had to pump milk in the beginning since she wasn’t taking all of it at once and my breasts were still hard and uncomfortable, so she took the bottle sometimes and adapted well to the artificial nipple, though I know she prefers mine. I’m really proud of myself too, for persevering and enjoying the process of learning to do what feels so natural, but ironically takes some learning.
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| After playing her favorite song, Opa teaches Roua some guitar. |
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| Roua and Oma in Vance for Oma's birthday in September. |
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| Roua and Papa gazing at each other. |
Not every moment of everyday is pure joy and happiness. It’s hard. It’s fatiguing. It’s frustrating. It really does take a village as they say. Luckily, I was gifted with one here. Firstly, my amazing husband who works so hard already, takes time to care for Roua and play with her so I can sleep an extra hour in the morning or take a shower. He’s there beside me through the sometimes long nights as well. Then there are my beau-père and belle-mère, two incredible people who I get to call my in-laws. They have been with us before Roua came and after to help care for her, for me and Jorris, for Bodhi and our home, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, sharing their positive energy and wisdom. It’s been such a joy. My belle-mère stayed with us for 2 months and thank goodness. We had fun and I had help to keep my head up and get some sleep, and we always had homemade food. I’m so happy Roua got to spend that time getting to know her Oma (Dutch for Grandma). She even gifted us with a dish washer!!! Our lives have changed forever.
And now, my beau-père is here with us, helping with cooking and cleaning, and watching Roua sometimes so I can do other things, and working on home improvement projects like making drawers for our kitchen, and currently building the chicken coop! It’s always a pleasure to be around Pap’s grounding energy. I especially enjoy when he plays guitar. He was also here a few weeks before I gave birth doing the same. And, I remember like it was yesterday when I was having contractions (in labor though I didn’t know it!) at home and he played guitar. It was soothing to just listen to his music and breathe through the pain.
Then, there is Valèrie from the Auberge , French for a little bed and breakfast, who’s been cooking meals for us a few times a week since the middle of May. Her nourishing meals have been so helpful as well. She made comforting chicken soup a few times after I gave birth as I showed her this book of recipes for postpartum. And, her meals gave my beau-père and belle-mère breaks from cooking and washing dishes too, so they could enjoy Roua and their time here. It’s been a wonderful balance for us all. Plus, it has given us an opportunity to keep in touch and build more of a friendship with her and her husband.
Valerie carries Roua while we have dinner at her Auberge.
Gaëlle making her famous Banana Chocolate Cream Pie.
Last, but certainly not least, there is Gaëlle, our employee, which the awesome state of France pays for so I could have maternity leave and Jorris could have some paternity leave from the business, too. She actually met us a few years ago at a market and though we vaguely remember her she remembered us. Earlier this year she found Jorris’ number and wrote to him about working with us and the bees. Then she found the job posting for my maternity leave and applied. We interviewed her along with a few others, but she was definitely the winner. We felt her good energy and together we all clicked, so she was hired and since then, she has become a wonderful friend. Gaëlle works hard with the beekeeping, which she is truly passionate about, but she also shares so much of her passion for self-development and just being a good person. She gives without asking in return. She pays attention to our needs and helps however she can. She’s really grown into our family and Roua adores her. They are both rats after all, both born during the Chinese Year of the Rat. She’s supported my transition into Motherhood so kindly, bringing me clothes and pants that fit since thrift stores are closed, and I didn’t fit into my old jeans and some maternity pants were too big. I had just mentioned in conversation how I missed thrifting and the next day she brought some linen pants that fit my new postpartum body so well. The act and thought was so meaningful. She also gifted me with special bee conditioner for my hair, saying “we can’t forget about taking care of Mom too...” She’s added her positive energy to our garden and in our home, baking amazing pies and cakes for Roua’s monthly birthdays and sharing food. We are going to miss her when her time with us is through, but I know we’ll remain friends.
I am forever indebted to all these people who have put their love and energy towards supporting our little family. There are more people who I am indebted to like my friend Marie who gave us so many baby clothes and things. And then our neighbors Lolita and Dorain, who are organic vegetable farmers who gifted us with a crate of beautiful veggies after we came home from the clinic! So many people in the village and beyond, whom we barely know, gave gifts to Roua; it was touching, all the visitors to our home. The mayor also gave gifts. I couldn’t be more grateful nor thankful to all of these people, for their pure love and generosity of sincere thoughtfulness, presence and time. They have allowed me to transition into this new realm of Motherhood so gracefully. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without all of their support. I wouldn’t have had those little extra hours of sleep which make such a difference to keep my brain and body functioning, nor meals to nourish me so I could nourish Roua, nor showers, nor a clean home to be in, nor wonderful company when Jorris was working so much, nor just the time and space to enjoy being a Mom.
*This post was originally written nearly two weeks ago when Roua turned 3 months old, but alas a storm hit southern France and we were out of internet and phone service for a few days, so I couldn't post. Even when we had internet up again, Mom life took over so I couldn't post. And finally, today I could! Much has already changed since the last time I wrote: we went to Montpellier, Roua can roll over onto her belly (!), she has some teeth coming, Opa went back to Holland, and today is Tata Gaëlle's last day of work. I hope you enjoy the writing anyway! Photos by me.
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